Old, but I feel it needs to be here.

The last two weeks I've thought more than I ever have.
It's amazing how much you can share with someone, how much you can be hurt just by being yourself and letting someone know the raw essence of who you are and how you feel.
Just last night I ended a relationship that I had been in with someone special to me, even now, despite what she's done to me, of two years.

Everyone in my life told me it'd never work.
Long distance was just a painful thing and nobody can endure it for a lengthy period of time.
I set out to prove them, and evidently failed.

We had a year left before we got married.
I love this girl, I ate, slept, and breathed everything her for the last two years of my life.
She showed me feelings that you don't see on TV, books, movies, anything.
Shit that I didn't even know existed.
I gave everything I am to her, and I guess it just wasn't enough.
Thinking back, I could have caved on everything, but to be honest, I don't think it would have even lasted as long as it did, had I done that.

I'm convinced that she has a serious problem, and I feel bad for her.
She'll never be honest with herself or anyone around her, and she can look you right in the eyes, lie to you, and not be affected by it later.
If I were anyone else, I'd say she's just sick, but I know better than that.
I know she's so sad inside, she's calling for help, but she's bricked herself in.
She wants me to be there for her, but she won't acknoledge it.
She'll say she's confused, but she knows what she had, she knows what length I'd go to for her and I think that's why she's so confused.
When you have everything offered to you, you simply don't appreciate it.

When I first met her, she jokingly said that her mother is always right.
That statement meant little to me at first, I mean come on, someone ALWAYS being right? Yeah, that's logical.
Later on, it started to make more and more sense.
It plays out one of two ways, her mother either bends and manipulates things to her predictions, or she actually fufills her mother's prophecy.
And she's oblivious to all of it.

After a week or so of totally avoiding the situation and dodging every chance she gets, I tried to force her to tell me what's going on.
Does she want me in her life? Does she want me to leave? Does she just want me to leave so she can live without regret, so that she doesn't feel responsible?
She told me she doesn't know, that she's confused.
She basically told me she wants me to wait around until she figures out what she wants.
Am I expected to wait for her to make her decision? I mean, I love her, but should I be something as simple as a door or a window that you can open when you want and forget when you don't need to go through a wall or access something?

She had confessed to me that she had been smoking pot, and before that cigarettes.
There isn't much wrong with pot in itself, but the people that it brings about is some of the best and worst of the world, and never in equal quantities.
Especially the person she was doing it with.
Your typical "spreads-for-drugs", for lack of a better term, coke whore.

This girl has herself so wrapped in paranoia, accusing me of being sexually involved in each and every woman in my life, short of my family.
What's worse is that she used this to fuel her anger and hatred towards me.

Even now, I lose the drive to keep writing about this, it feels so fucking pointless.
I know exactly how it's going to end, she's going to realize what we had, what she threw away, and she's going to be filled with regret.
I'm sure she feels it even now, but is too proud to call me back and tell me she's sorry.
I would call this very moment, and take the blame for everything; If I knew things would change and she would stop lying, stop being deceptive, and stop trying to hurt me.
I know it wouldn't make a difference. She'd just view me as another option in her life, another resource in the pool.
The quote from No Country For Old Men comes to mind, when Shugar told the gas station clerk "Don't put it in your pocket. It's your lucky quarter. Anywhere not in your pocket. Or it'll be mixed in with the others and become just a coin. Which it is.".

I haven't been innocent, I've said mean things, I've manipulated her feelings.
But only to teach her something, it doesn't make it right. It's still not right, no matter how you cut it, but my intentions were pure.
I've never wronged her, I've never been sexual with anyone else, never cheated on her.
Even where I'm choosing to end this, it still doesn't feel like I'm giving you everything.
There's so much more to it.
So, so much more.

I love her very much, and it breaks my heart to see her take such a bad direction in life, and I'd give anything in the world just to be with her again, but not if she won't try to change; but I'd never ask her to change.
I guess that's what seperates us.

I love you...

I've thought over and over about the situation I find myself stuck in.
I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you were just a sign... Something of a premonition to come; or maybe just a harsh lesson to remind me how real shit is.
Giving me some time in my life to be blind to the fucking horrific impossible to understand reality of life.
Just to say "Hey, yeah, this right here? This shit that makes you happy? Yeah, it doesn't exist, fuck you."
I've come to learn what kind of person I am.
I'm a very untrusting, cautious, decisive, and radical person.
I never let people know 100% about me, I always have my doubts.
And yet I see me, the real me, without even thinking about it.
I'm very hesitant to do anything that I can't control.
What scares me is I can't control this situation... I can't do anything but try and see you.
Sit here and listen to sad songs that remind me of you loop, cry, and wonder why I do this to myself.

Did we really manage to fuck up something so special and sacred?
Did we really spoil everything and make it so screwed up that we've hurt eachother so much we can't be one again?
I wonder how this girl who said she couldn't live without me, can still stay alive.
How can she be without me? Was she lying? Is she happy?
One might think, "Well, you made the same claim. Why are you still here?".
I've asked myself so many times and the only answer I can come up with is I think there's still a shred of hope that I'll hold my everything in my arms again.
That I can lift you up and make you squeel with joy, spin you around, and call you mine.

I remember you told me, even when you were mad at me; "I always get what I want".
Do you not want me? How can you go to model shoots and feel okay with yourself? How can you wrap your arms around another guy and tell him you love him?
I can't do that, how can you?
I can't even look at people the same after I lost you.
Do you have any idea how many times I've lied to you, to make you feel like I'm okay and realize that you're unhappy and I could be without you, making you want to feel good and be with me and solve everything?
I just want to know you love me like you always have and are still my pure, innocent baby girl...
That's all I want...

You Know Who You Are

I can't stop thinking about you...
Every little thing reminds me of you and I wish it didn't.
I wish the pain would stop, I wish I could feel nothing.
I wish you weren't with somebody else... I wish you weren't experiencing life without me...
I don't even want to write anymore because it burns so bad.
Thinking of what we had... And how we just act like it's not there anymore.

We shared the most intimate bond and experiences with eachother.
I gave you myself and you did the same to me.
There will never be a time when you won't remember me and likewise for me.
But why run, baby?
Why try to act like you don't want me anymore?
What am I supposed to do?
How do I handle this?
For once in my life, I don't have control over a situation and it fucking scares me; it fucking terrifies me.
And I don't know what to do...
The only thing I know is that I love you, and I always will, and nobody will ever take your spot.
I promise you that. My arms will always be open for you when you're ready to come home..

That Four Letter Word Part IV

Something I've come to learn is that love is something that you create uniquely with a person.
I don't know if this is just one of those unspoken details that everyone else knew all along, or something that someone would hear or read and say "Duh!" because it makes so much sense, that it must be common sense.
What I mean by it's something you create uniquely though; is that it's a level of comfort and care for an individual that you want to share everything with.
Someone you can't be without; someone you could never afford to lose.
I realize now that I don't want to love anyone else.
I don't want this bond with anyone else, because it just won't be the same.
In a way, she's the only girl that'll ever make me feel right; she's the only person I want to be this comfortable with.
I just wish I could find a way to perfectly express my feelings to her.

Months later, I gathered up the money to get a bus ticket and my best friend was coincidentally dating a girl from the same hole in the wall town; and he got a ticket and was going to ride up with me on a Greyhound.
The ride itself was an adventure; the strange people you meet, the things you witness.
It was just kind of a wild thing.
The only thing that sucked was that I got stuck at a bus station in Las Vegas for about four or five hours.
When we finally got there, I couldn't wait to see her.
My best friend's girlfriend dropped me off at her house and when she opened the door, I just felt this surge of energy.
She was just as beautiful, if not more beautiful than I remember.
She looked at me and smiled, then I walked towards her with my arms out and she hugged me.
She told her step-dad she was going downtown for a little bit and to call her on her cellphone if her mom needed anything.
We walked down the street trying to get our walking timed right while holding eachother (I'm 5'9", she's 5'5" 5'4", if I remember correctly; yes, it does make a difference).
We went down and had lunch at a little Mom & Pop diner, and unknown at the time, I left my expensive sunglasses there.
Which I figured out, half way to the park.
We then walked to the park and on the way there, she freaked out and gave me this weird nervous smile and tried to drag me the other way.
And I grabbed her hand a little bit stronger and wouldn't let her pull me away asking her what was wrong; she looked like she just saw a ghost.
I finally figured out what it was, her ex boyfriend drove by.
She was scared for reasons still unknown to me, but we continued on to the park and he drove back.
I watched his car and smiled, while she was panicking and suggesting we leave.
Then, when he came by for his final sweep, I pulled out my telescopic riot baton and held it where it was in view, and then waved to him cheerfully as he drove by.
We sat and talked for a bit longer, kissing and talking about random things, when I saw a few Clydesdale horses walking through the park with their owners.
It was really cool, just so sudden.
After we laid around in the grass and talked some more, we headed back to the restaurant to get my sunglasses, and the bus boy had found them; he gave them back and I tipped him and we headed back to her house.
To Be Continued...

That Four Letter Word Part III

Everything about her is just so perfect.
The way she walks, talks, breathes, laughs, smiles, frowns, cries, and even sleeps; it's all just perfect.
I love everything about her, and she never ceases to amaze me.
I'm convinced that nobody will ever take her place, and even if they could; I'd never let them.

The following day was one of the hardest I've ever experienced.
We picked her up so I could see her again before I had to leave and make the trip back home.
We went to Quizno's and had subs and she was happy, really cheerful and I was trying my best to save face because I didn't want to ruin the moment with the fact that we had to go back to our only contact being on the phone for a while.
When we finished, we went to get gas for the car and she was looking forward out the windshield while I was trying to make her feel better by giving her kisses and and making jokes.
She would smile a little bit, but wouldn't fall for the bait.
She knew nothing could hide the fact that I had to leave and she didn't like it one bit.
We drove around for a little bit and stopped at the park, it was all muddy from the snow that had fallen the previous days; but we still walked through it.
She cried and I kissed her several times; but she wouldn't kiss back so I just held her and tried to make her feel better.
After a while, we got back in the car and went to drive her home.
I walked her to her front door and her mom opened the door and she had such a sympathetic look on her face; which was really rare for her.
I gave her a kiss and a hug and told her that it wouldn't be long before I came back, and then gave her mom a hug.
She went inside and I could already hear her sobbing and it just broke my heart.
I called her on her cellphone while we were still parked in front of her house and told her to come to the window; when I saw her I waved and pointed at my eye, then my heart, and then pointed at her.
I could hear her crying even harder and I talked to her on the phone until I lost phone signal on the way out of town.
To Be Continued...

That Four Letter Word Part II

Looking back, everything was just such a blur of ecstasy.
I totally lost a concept of time; it's kinda like whenever I wasn't with her I turned myself off and crawled into one of those sleep capsules you see in science fiction movies.
I was just gone, hollow, but mostly just mentally gone.
It's like, the only time I had ever been truly who I am is when I was with her, and I couldn't be that person without her.

It was the next day and I was feeling like a little kid waiting to fling off his blankets, rush downstairs and tear open presents on Christmas Morning.
I was so nervous, but at the same time, I was so excited and the combination made me sick to my stomach; though there was no way in Hell I'd let that ruin that day.
She and her mom pulled up in their car in front of our hotel, and I clutched the bag holding the promise ring that I had sold some of my fondest possessions to buy; a white gold band, with a lab created pink sapphire heart shaped gem; it really was beautiful.
I walked out to the car and got in with them and gave her a hug.
We held hands like little kids the whole way to KMart where her mom needed to go to get something.
I couldn't help but to childishly grab her butt whenever she bent over and acted like I didn't do anything when she looked at me playfully.
We played the grab game back and forth looking at things around the store and eventually ended up meeting back up with her mom and taking off to her house.
We sat in her living room, watching her little step brother play a video game on their XBox 360 and trying to resist from kissing her; I was addicted.

Eventually we sat on the staircase in her house and talked; pretty much the only place we could be alone without making her parents uneasy by going to her bedroom or something.
We talked for a bit, kissing between every few words and I rubbed my hands on her sides, which made her get squirmy and make little squealing noises that were just absolutely adorable.
Then, I handed her the bag with her Christmas present in it.
She knew what it was already, but seeing her eyes light up and then look at me almost to ask "Are you serious?", it was just magical.
I took it out of it's box, slipped it on her ring finger and she kissed me.
Later on that night, we laid in her bed watching The Wedding Singer, which I still haven't actually seen because we were making out and talking throughout the entire movie.
Then my ride showed up and she watched me leave, barely choking back tears after I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her that I loved her.
To Be Continued...

That Four Letter Word Part I

Just like you, I've read books, magazines, seen movies, TV shows, and even witnessed, with my own eyes, the concept of love.
At one point, I didn't even believe such a thing existed, and it's still possible it doesn't exist, but technically, if something has a placebo effect and it's believed to be true, it must be true, right?
The truth is only what the majority believe and what every bit of evidence can prove.
Regardless of what you, your friends and family, or I believe, I feel something, whether it's just something in my mind that I trick myself into believing that has literally become a part of me, or whether it really is something that exists in this world.

Two years ago, on June 28th 2006, I began dating a girl that I instantly felt connected with.
To the point that I was feeling physical pain when she did; I'd feel depressed and call her and she'd tell me she was feeling bad before I even had a chance to tell her, more so than coincidence could explain.
I felt like this girl was a female form of me; my better half, if you will.
All I could think about was her, day and night, I was so afraid that if I showed her who I was, she'd find something about me that she didn't like and she wouldn't want me.
I felt like I'd constantly fuck things up with her, and I was literally petrified to do anything.
Our first date, I was the ripe age of 16; I took her to see a movie.
I sat down in the theater next to her, nervous, but not like in the movies; I wasn't shaking or acting strange, I was just simply scared to do the wrong thing.
We started talking until the movie started, and I can't for the life of me remember how far the movie had progressed when I felt her lips touch my cheek it seemed like a lifetime and I felt a chill run through my body from her luscious wet kiss.
I felt like electricity just jolted through my body and suddenly everything was different, everything I knew in life just dramatically changed.
She kept kissing my cheek, and moved over to my ear and began gently licking the lobe.
I remember hearing her gently breathe while kissing and licking my ear and it made me tingle head to toe and all I could do was stare ahead.
I turned to her slowly and she looked at me with the most seductive eyes I'd ever seen and I leaned forward and got my first kiss.

I had always shied away from girls and never let myself get too close because of some stupid rejection that I had when I went to kiss a girl when I was really young, but I was so glad I had been too shy to get a kiss until that moment.
I knew the second my lips touched hers, I never wanted anyone else to touch my lips.
I never wanted to kiss another girl.
It was just simply the most magical, unreal feeling I have ever experienced.
After I got back, I was bragging to my friend like a schoolgirl and I apologized and he replied "It's cool man, I was the same way when I got my first kiss".
I never wanted that night to end.. The thing about her, is just being near her, she made me feel okay.
Like I was the best looking guy in the world and she didn't care about anyone else.
She just made me feel special, and even though I had only known her for a few months; I realized that she was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
To Be Continued...