I've thought over and over about the situation I find myself stuck in.
I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you were just a sign... Something of a premonition to come; or maybe just a harsh lesson to remind me how real shit is.
Giving me some time in my life to be blind to the fucking horrific impossible to understand reality of life.
Just to say "Hey, yeah, this right here? This shit that makes you happy? Yeah, it doesn't exist, fuck you."
I've come to learn what kind of person I am.
I'm a very untrusting, cautious, decisive, and radical person.
I never let people know 100% about me, I always have my doubts.
And yet I see me, the real me, without even thinking about it.
I'm very hesitant to do anything that I can't control.
What scares me is I can't control this situation... I can't do anything but try and see you.
Sit here and listen to sad songs that remind me of you loop, cry, and wonder why I do this to myself.

Did we really manage to fuck up something so special and sacred?
Did we really spoil everything and make it so screwed up that we've hurt eachother so much we can't be one again?
I wonder how this girl who said she couldn't live without me, can still stay alive.
How can she be without me? Was she lying? Is she happy?
One might think, "Well, you made the same claim. Why are you still here?".
I've asked myself so many times and the only answer I can come up with is I think there's still a shred of hope that I'll hold my everything in my arms again.
That I can lift you up and make you squeel with joy, spin you around, and call you mine.

I remember you told me, even when you were mad at me; "I always get what I want".
Do you not want me? How can you go to model shoots and feel okay with yourself? How can you wrap your arms around another guy and tell him you love him?
I can't do that, how can you?
I can't even look at people the same after I lost you.
Do you have any idea how many times I've lied to you, to make you feel like I'm okay and realize that you're unhappy and I could be without you, making you want to feel good and be with me and solve everything?
I just want to know you love me like you always have and are still my pure, innocent baby girl...
That's all I want...