Old, but I feel it needs to be here.

The last two weeks I've thought more than I ever have.
It's amazing how much you can share with someone, how much you can be hurt just by being yourself and letting someone know the raw essence of who you are and how you feel.
Just last night I ended a relationship that I had been in with someone special to me, even now, despite what she's done to me, of two years.

Everyone in my life told me it'd never work.
Long distance was just a painful thing and nobody can endure it for a lengthy period of time.
I set out to prove them, and evidently failed.

We had a year left before we got married.
I love this girl, I ate, slept, and breathed everything her for the last two years of my life.
She showed me feelings that you don't see on TV, books, movies, anything.
Shit that I didn't even know existed.
I gave everything I am to her, and I guess it just wasn't enough.
Thinking back, I could have caved on everything, but to be honest, I don't think it would have even lasted as long as it did, had I done that.

I'm convinced that she has a serious problem, and I feel bad for her.
She'll never be honest with herself or anyone around her, and she can look you right in the eyes, lie to you, and not be affected by it later.
If I were anyone else, I'd say she's just sick, but I know better than that.
I know she's so sad inside, she's calling for help, but she's bricked herself in.
She wants me to be there for her, but she won't acknoledge it.
She'll say she's confused, but she knows what she had, she knows what length I'd go to for her and I think that's why she's so confused.
When you have everything offered to you, you simply don't appreciate it.

When I first met her, she jokingly said that her mother is always right.
That statement meant little to me at first, I mean come on, someone ALWAYS being right? Yeah, that's logical.
Later on, it started to make more and more sense.
It plays out one of two ways, her mother either bends and manipulates things to her predictions, or she actually fufills her mother's prophecy.
And she's oblivious to all of it.

After a week or so of totally avoiding the situation and dodging every chance she gets, I tried to force her to tell me what's going on.
Does she want me in her life? Does she want me to leave? Does she just want me to leave so she can live without regret, so that she doesn't feel responsible?
She told me she doesn't know, that she's confused.
She basically told me she wants me to wait around until she figures out what she wants.
Am I expected to wait for her to make her decision? I mean, I love her, but should I be something as simple as a door or a window that you can open when you want and forget when you don't need to go through a wall or access something?

She had confessed to me that she had been smoking pot, and before that cigarettes.
There isn't much wrong with pot in itself, but the people that it brings about is some of the best and worst of the world, and never in equal quantities.
Especially the person she was doing it with.
Your typical "spreads-for-drugs", for lack of a better term, coke whore.

This girl has herself so wrapped in paranoia, accusing me of being sexually involved in each and every woman in my life, short of my family.
What's worse is that she used this to fuel her anger and hatred towards me.

Even now, I lose the drive to keep writing about this, it feels so fucking pointless.
I know exactly how it's going to end, she's going to realize what we had, what she threw away, and she's going to be filled with regret.
I'm sure she feels it even now, but is too proud to call me back and tell me she's sorry.
I would call this very moment, and take the blame for everything; If I knew things would change and she would stop lying, stop being deceptive, and stop trying to hurt me.
I know it wouldn't make a difference. She'd just view me as another option in her life, another resource in the pool.
The quote from No Country For Old Men comes to mind, when Shugar told the gas station clerk "Don't put it in your pocket. It's your lucky quarter. Anywhere not in your pocket. Or it'll be mixed in with the others and become just a coin. Which it is.".

I haven't been innocent, I've said mean things, I've manipulated her feelings.
But only to teach her something, it doesn't make it right. It's still not right, no matter how you cut it, but my intentions were pure.
I've never wronged her, I've never been sexual with anyone else, never cheated on her.
Even where I'm choosing to end this, it still doesn't feel like I'm giving you everything.
There's so much more to it.
So, so much more.

I love her very much, and it breaks my heart to see her take such a bad direction in life, and I'd give anything in the world just to be with her again, but not if she won't try to change; but I'd never ask her to change.
I guess that's what seperates us.

I love you...